Sunday Swag: May 23rd

I like Sunday. Sunday should be nice and relaxing. Easy. Whatever you want it to be.

Here's some of the swag I found while digging around the last couple of weeks. Some of this stuff...counts as WTF.

Have a fun with the swag.

;)

How about a "Not Always Right.  I love some of these. 

When Your Number Is Up
(Bingo Hall | Nova Scotia, Canada)

Customer: “Hi, I’m here for the immunization clinic.”

Me: “Sir, this is a bingo hall.”

Customer: “You’re mistaken, the people at the hospital told me to come here.”

Me: “Sorry sir, this is a bingo hall. I don’t know why they would tell you to come here.”

Customer: “What are those people doing here then?” *points at the people playing bingo*

Me: “They’re playing bingo, sir.”

Customer: “You’re lying to me! You just want me to die!”

And finally, how about some video swag.  Lets pull out another singing soldier vid.



Have a most pleasant Sunday guys.

;)

Sexy Saturday! May 22nd

tsk. tsk.  I've been so remiss.  Hardly any blog posts over here this week.  I've been so darned busy, I just have not had a spare minute at all!  I do however have an awful lot of coolness over at the Place, so, you forgive me right?  Oh yeah, and don't forget to check out...

My Very First Contest Ever!

No matter how busy of course, the candy never waits.  I figured since we had all those yummies at the Place yesterday, I'm feelin' me some cowboys...what say you?

Gotta love a cowboy. 

Happy Saturday. 

Enjoy!

;)

Monday Mayhem: May 17th

I've been giving all this blog love to Barbara Sheridan over at the Place, and I'm totally getting all samurai happy.

They have swords and shit.  Amora likes swords.  mmmmm swords.

Last week, as I sometimes do, I decided to pull out my Iron Man suit, gave myself a Black Sabbath theme song, and rocked that persona for a minute...or three.

Worked like a charm.  Those were the best days of the work.  Least amount of crap.  Yay for least amount of crap!

Iron Man persona and samurai love has turn me into...

Amora codenamed "Black Mamba".  And no.  My theme song is NOT Kung fu fighting. I am going to have to come up with one though, they really help with the persona.

If everyone out in RL plays nice with Amora, she'll stay all nice and pretty like this.  If not...

Well, if not, they aren't going to like me very much.  You see, it's like this...

I'm a former member of the Deadly Viper Assassination Squad, an elite, shadowy group of assassins.   
A formidable, ruthless warrior trained under martial arts master Pai Mei.

I served at the right hand of Bill aka Grasshopper, my boss and lover, a position that provoked the furious envy of Elle Driver (the bitch), who was also Bill's lover (the bastard).

Now? *swings sword around* I WILL KILL BILL...aka Grasshopper.

So, Given my story, surely you understand.  I will not - I CAN not - take their crap.  I think I'm ready to go to work.

*walks in with authority, sword displayed.* 

That's right.  Amora's here, you'd better run...

Damn!  It doesn't take them long to surround me with their crap! 

Back off boys...

I warned you.  Don't make me hurt the rest of you...

To be continued...

muahahahah. Oh yeah, how scary am I NOW?! Do NOT fuck with me THIS week. I am all about the yummy sword goodness. Samurai sword goodness.

Black Mamba, comin' atch'ya...back away...NOW!

*throws head back* muahahahahahah

I'm ready.  Bring it!

Oh yeah.  No schedule this week.  Sorry.  Not a clue what's going to be happening.  Pics on Saturday though!  heehee, have a great and awesome week!

;)

What's a girl to do?

When I started posting some of the miserable list, I gave you a glimpse into my real sense of humor.  Turns out Amora's not really sunshine and roses, well not all the times anyway, and her sense of humor is...shall we say...twisted a little.  Those lists just made me laugh. 

Today I'm going to share something else my bad self finds funny.  This one's from a book called OMG! How to Survive 101 of Life's Most F-ed Situations.  I love this book.  Way to funny.  It's full of things like...

WTF do you do when...

Your boyfriend has been posting pictures of his penis online
Your wasted BFF is about to leave with a walking STD
A hot guy wants to take you home, but you didn't shave

And many, many more useful tips we all just really really need.  Because seriously, who knows how to properly deal with that boyfriend and his penis?  I sure don't.

So.  For our first WTF do we do post, I've chosen a very helpful topic.  I'm going with...

WTF do you do when...

You're mistaken for a prostitute...

That's right, a prostitute.  Your standing on a street corner, minding your own business.  Suddenly, a car pulls up next to you and a nerdy middle-aged man asks you "How much to like the lollipop sweetheart?"

OMG, he thinks you're a hooker.

So, WTF do you do?

It's ok.  You've got options.

#1:  Find out how much he's willing to pay-  Not really. I do NOT want you getting paid to fornicate.  But, since he asked you first, he can't be a cop, that would be entrapment.  So you might as well find out how much your worth!

#2:  Tell him he's on "To Catch a Predator"- Yell "Surprise" and point to a storefront window.  Let him know this has all been camera and will be on the next NBC special.  Inform him that the SWAT team is waiting around the corner to drag him out of his car, throw him on the pavement face first and cuff him.  Then watch that sucker burn rubber!

#3:  Write down his license plate number:  Contact DMV and get his phone number.  Call his wife and ruin his life.  Tell her he tried to pick you up for sex but you told him you had crabs.

Got all that?  You never know when you'll need that advise, so hold on to it.

We'll see what kind of great advise I can come up with next time.

;)

See ya!

Sexy Saturday! May 15th

Morning! Got some sugar for your coffee on this fine Saturday. Enjoy.

Have a good weekend!

;)

Things to be happy about...

I like the little miserable list at the place the last couple of days.  I know I'm supposed to think happy thoughts when I'm down.  The flowers are blooming, the sun is shining, and the birds are singing.  Sometimes that feels a bit like my mother telling me to eat my brussel sprouts because there are starving children in Africa. 

"Well send them my friggin' brussel sprouts!"

And yes, sometimes the birds need to shut the hell up too.  Aren't I a ray of sunshine?

Sometimes though, when flowers, sunshine and birds don't work, I go for whatever twisted thing just makes me laugh.  Whatever works.  The list...has been working, so we're list-ing on. 

I don't like the miserable name though, so I'm changing it.  How about "Things that make me happy...as long as they aren't happening to me!"  hee hee.  We could just go with "Things that really suck", but I'm trying to put the word happy in there somewhere...sounds less negative. *grins* ;)

Today's list...

22. Milli Vanilli
23. Double chins
24. Your children criticizing your cooking
25. Cannibalism
26. Commercials about prostate enlargement
27. Your 40th birthday
28. Toxic Mold
29. Polyester
30. Jock itch

And finally...

31. Exploding manhole covers

How bad to those things suck?!  I never want to hear "Duck and cover! Exploding manhole covers!"  You know that'd be a bad day.

I am very happy I don't have these things today.  It's all good.

Happy, happy, happy!

:P

Happy Wednesday Hump Day

I'm growing bored with the videos. Today I'm going to pull out a Dirty Minds game instead. 2 even.

Ready, set... let's play.

#1...

-  If you stick me in your mouth and gag, your're not a good old boy.

-  I come in big jugs.

-  If you suck me down too much, I'll knock you on your butt.

What am I?

 

#2...

- Using me can cause a fight with your wife.

-  You grope for me under the covers to pump it up a notch.

-  If it wasn't for me, you'd have to get yourself up.

What am I?